Falling Prey to the Past

lions with prey

Picture from lionalert.org

Welcome to Relationship Thursdays!

Every Thursday I will further explain the topic I talked about on Relationship Tuesdays using my personal life as an example.

On Tuesday, I talked about the dangers of getting sucked back in by your past and the different ways that can be detrimental.You can read that post here.

In 2009, I went through a very bad breakup. It was the shortest relationship I had been in but for some reason when it ended I was torn apart. I remember feeling like there had to be something wrong with me. I had been in love with four men in my lifetime and when it came down to it none of them chose me. Each relationship was different but they all ended with the guy choosing someone or something else.

I was over men and relationships but I kept thinking back to my high school boyfriend and all the crap we went through. We had talked through a lot of our issues so we were in a good place. I had known him for 12 years so talking to him was easy and familiar. We started text messaging and that turned into talking on the phone. Phone conversations turned into visits. We slowly slid into a relationship of convenience.

We both knew that we did not make a good couple. There were things that made us incompatible but I needed to feel wanted and I used him for that. I did not want to go back to being in a relationship with him. I just wanted to feel better about myself. I wound up feeling worse because I knew there was no future in what I was doing. He had no plans on being with me on a long-term basis. He just liked having me around when he wanted me there.

My guilt from dealing with my ex-boyfriend was added to my feelings of low self-worth and it led me to do some very risky and dangerous things. I hit an all time low. I started having sex with men I didn’t know and some I didn’t even like! It was a horrible time in my life. The worst part was that I let rejection push me into a downward spiral.

So how did I get out of the hole I fell into? It took a lot of talking to some good friends and I took a respite from dating altogether. I spent some time in a place I called “I Don’t Care Land”. I stopped taking an interest in men. When I did talk to a guy I made it clear that I was not looking for any type of relationship.

My life didn’t end there and no one’s life should so next week we are getting back in the game.

As always, you are free to share and comment here. If you would like to speak to me privately you can email me at writerblocks2015@gmail.com.

Until next time . . .

 

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