Excuse me, I Have Something to Say

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The first part of this post is from something I posted on Facebook a year ago. The rest of it I just wrote today.

When it comes to death I have a different approach than other people. I talk about it openly. I even asked a few people in my inner circle if they would do the eulogy at my funeral (that didn’t go over so well). I opened the box my mother’s ashes are in and I examined the bag of white ash. It actually comforted me in some strange way.

I was in a group therapy course for school several years ago and we were talking about the death of our loved ones and how we remember them. I was asked about losing my parents at such a young age and how that didn’t turn me into a sociopath. I was trying to explain and a guy said “What I think Lynette was trying to say is she is okay”. That was not what I was trying to say. I was not okay and will always be changed by the deaths of both of my parents.

There is nothing okay about losing your mom and dad before you turn 15. There is nothing okay about graduating from high school and college without seeing your parents beam with pride and happy tears. It is not okay. I am not okay! I just had a breakdown on Mother’s Day because you I was missing my mom something crazy.

What I was trying to say in that class is I did not let my parent’s death kill me. I did not give up on my life because they lost theirs. Yes it sucks! It does not stop sucking you just become more resilient. This horrible thing has happened in your life and nothing is going to change it. Everyday you wake up and you choose to live. You mourn and you remember and you cry, but you choose to live. You have good days and you have terrible, awful days but you choose to live. You cannot erase the pain or the loss but you can choose life. Every day you choose life and you live on!

What I wrote today:

Death does not scare me but it does hurt and I have lost enough people to know just how much a person’s death can tear you apart. In a few days it will be the 20th anniversary of my mother’s death. You can add 9 years to that and that’s how long my father has been gone. Today my heart is broken more than it was the night I cried myself to sleep in my uncle’s van.

I won’t go into all the reasons why not having my parents around at this very moment is painful for me. I will say that 20 and 29 years later, the wounds are still there, the loss is still monumental and the pain is oh so real.

I will not get over it and I will spit at anyone who tells me to do so!

Everyday I will choose to live but some days I will question why

they had to die

Some days I will be sad

And I will cry

Some days I will not lie

and instead of saying I’m fine

I will tell the truth and say that

I am hurting and

I am struggling and

I am missing them more than ever

Some days I won’t be okay

But that doesn’t make me weak

or melodramatic

It just makes me human

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