Welcome to Relationship Tuesdays. This is my space to delve into relationship issues we all deal with but a lot of us just can’t seem to figure out how to get past. I will pick a topic and give you some good information about it. Comments from the peanut gallery are always welcome.
We all have things that have happened to us that have changed who we are. It could be rejection from a friend or loved one. It could be not living up to our own expectations. It could even be negative thoughts about who we are and the things we do. All of these things and more have the potential to weigh us down.
A person who is carrying an excessive amount of baggage cannot let another person into their life because there is no room. If they try to share their life with someone, often times the person becomes suffocated by all the stuff their significant other is holding onto.
I am by no means saying to be in a healthy relationship you have to get rid of all of your baggage. That is unrealistic. I am saying that you have to dig deep and figure out what you are holding onto and how it is negatively affecting you. There are things that you may never totally get rid of but knowing they are there gives you the opportunity to face them and keep them from being a hindrance to you.
Here’s an example: I lost my dad when I was five and my mother passed away when I was 14. Needless to say, I grew up with some abandonment issues. I didn’t try to hold onto people because I expected them to leave me. This created a very interesting dynamic in my romantic relationships.
I have always been very independent. I have no problem taking care of myself and I only ask for help when I am in dire straights. When I was dating I made it clear to the guy that I did not need him. I could handle everything on my own. His presence may have been desired but it wasn’t necessary. I made a point of showing the guys I dated that I was good all by myself.
The problem with that is when someone doesn’t feel needed it creates distance between the two people in the relationship. I could not figure out why I kept winding up in relationships where the guy found other things or people more important than me. I had to grow to understand that I was giving them permission to do it. My independent lady persona made the men I dated feel like they only had to pay me attention when I asked for it. Any other time I was doing just fine by myself. It was a very big problem for me.
So what concrete bricks are you carrying around? Are you like I was and present yourself as an island that only needs infrequent visitors? Or do you cling to every person you meet like velcro? Are you carrying around hurt and pain from a past relationship? Do you find it hard to love yourself so you make it nearly impossible for anyone else to do it?
You need to figure out whatever it is you are holding onto because chances are it is holding you back. Once you go searching through your luggage you have to figure out how to let it go or work through it so it does not stop you from creating strong and healthy relationships.
On Thursday, I will share more about my baggage and how I lightened my load. Hope to see you there!